For a while I thought you had the tendency of bringing out the worst in me, especially in our arguments, and this is reason enough not to continue pursuing what we have. After all, shouldn’t love bring out the best in a person?

But you actually reveal the worst in me, setting fire to my triggers, exposing my deeper layers, and unmasking all the shows and smiles I’ve put on for so long – my desperate attempts at seeking for love from people not capable of accepting me for me.

And as I’m confronted with the ugliness of it all, I shy away from you, thinking that I don’t ever deserve you, so you should by all means stay away from me and my self-destruction. 

In this way, at least, you can stay unpoisoned by my toxicity. 

And in this way, at least, I won’t have the guilt of hurting someone I love.

I am selfish, and always taking, sucking the life away from everyone who’s decent enough to take the time to love me. 

Which makes me think… The act of pushing you away isn’t kindness, but cowardice. Afraid of change, afraid of the burden of growing, afraid of leaving my comfy nook of anger, impatience, lack of tact, pride. 

Then, for a brief moment, I look at your eyes, always longing for peace and sweet embraces. 

You hold my hand, even in this moment. 

You say you love me, in the midst of our exhausting war. 

You stay, despite all the reasons to leave.

You show me a reflection of God’s grace.

And in this moment, I see now. You uncover the things about myself (hidden even from me) that now I know I need to work on. 

You reveal the worst in me, and make me want to be better.